Editor’s note: This occasional series from a writer whose work has appeared in McSweeney's, muses on a quote from a one-time Shoreline or Lake Forest Park youth who has moved onto fame or fortune. Enjoy. Or throw fruit.
Do you love crab fishing? Are you helplessly addicted to alcohol? If so, then you may want to pay attention!
One of the best quotes I’ve read in a long time is from Sig Hansen, an alumnus of Shorewood High School but better known as one of the captains on the Discovery Channel documentary show The Deadliest Catch. In reference to how hard the sailors have to work and the lifestyle necessary for such work, Sig has said, “Most of the guys, when we go to sea, we call that ‘Sea-hab.’ The guys have been partying too much, so when they get on the boat, they know all bets are off…” I’ve had first-hand experience with family members who have suffered from alcoholism and know how hard it can be, so I want to take inspiration from Sig’s words and propose to him, and to those of you who need it, a new type of addiction therapy…I propose a sober living crab boat.
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This new experimental treatment will be filmed, Sig will be the captain, and those of you who qualify will be the crew. Your transition from addict to licensed fisherman will be filmed over the course of 90 unpredictable and exciting days. It will offer the strict accountability of a sober living home with the responsibilities of the most dangerous job in the world! Basic program/season for qualifying patients/deckhands will include:
- Taking comprehensive drug & alcohol education courses/ Dropping crab pots to 80-90 fathoms
- Relapse prevention/ Operating hydraulic pulley system
- Group therapy/ Sorting & Packing crab
For those who may be dubious, don’t be. I want to personally guarantee one hundred percent success, both fish-wise and health-wise. In my research, I’ve found that withdrawals on the Bering Sea provide participants with the perfect environment in which to learn invaluable lessons they will need in order to live an independent, sober life. Because of this reason, and because of national gaming regulations, the program will only take place during the winter months when weather on the Bering Sea can be most dangerous. But don’t worry, again, I personally guarantee complete success. If someone gets hurt, it will be because of the horribly dangerous working conditions they’re in, not because of their alcoholism. And that’s a promise!
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I suppose the point is this: Sig Hansen has been able to parlay his recently found celebrity status into unforeseen avenues like endorsement deals, social media, and book tours. With his talent and experience, Sig has come to represent the future of the Pacific Northwest fishing industry. In other words, a lot of people like what Sig has to say. I simply propose my idea dovetail with this professional trajectory. Those of you with serious addictions can finally get the help you need, and Capt. Sig Hansen gets cheap labor from an all-drunk crew. Everyone wins!
So if you’re hurting and in need, I want to extend an official invitation. It’s an invitation to start a new sober life. It’s an invitation to do so on a 75-meter sea vessel. It’s an invitation to start saying, “Less booze, more crabbing!”