THE “REAL” BIGGEST LOSERS

Have you ever sat in on a divorce trial?  You know, you can, don’t you?  They’re free, they’re public, and frequently they’re vastly entertaining, depending on your predilection for high drama, scandal, ironic comedy, heartache, injustice, freefalls from grace, crime and passion, and high stakes.  It’s all there; each drama compartmentalized and played out in full glory within the decorous courtrooms of countless courthouses around the United States.  In these days of economic prudence, one would think the courtrooms of divorce would be packed given all the free entertainment to be had at the expense of others…

The most recent divorce trial I sat in on was one closely resembling a 3-ring circus thanks to all the plot twists, squabbling attorneys, an angry bailiff, a grossly apathetic and biased judge, the parade of engrossing (and sometimes captivatingly hostile!) witnesses, riveting cross-accusations of verbal and physical abuse, drug & alcohol addiction, suicide attempts, parental alienation, money laundering and misappropriation, international travel and familial espionage, not to mention legal fees mounting (and then surmounting) hundreds of thousands of dollars – yes, I said HUNDREDS of thousands of dollars!  And yes, all of that for one, yes, just ONE stinking divorce.

And not surprisingly, as is the case in every single divorce trial out there, at the brutal and costly conclusion of each trial, there are NO winners.  In fact, truth be told, everyone involved in a divorce trial comes out an enormous loser.  From the judge on down to the tiniest infant child of a divorcing couple, nobody is bettered by the experience of having endured a divorce trial. 

To that end, with the coming and going of each divorce trial, the judge becomes just that much more hardened, intolerant and biased; the attorneys (the hired guns in the domestic battle) become increasingly efficient in their precise skewering of “opponent witnesses” and grossly proficient about compartmentalizing their emotions away from the realities of their actions and words; the witnesses feel dirty for their testimony, the singular purpose of which is the destruction of a once dream-filled marriage and the family it created; the spouses are left permanently and savagely scarred by the emotional (and frequently financial) apocalypse left in the wake of dragging each other through the tawdry and oft times embellished muck of their lives.  And then there’s the children – the ALL-TIME biggest losers of them all; the innocent, powerless, voiceless flotsam and jetsam of divorce that get sold off like chattel to the “winning” parent.

We Americans thrive on high stakes drama, and as a result, we have over the years of mounting divorce rates, condoned the gladiator-style tactics of divorce litigation simply because of our deeply-held cultural beliefs that when we’ve been wronged, we have the right to inflict as much damage upon an opponent as the law allows.  And it follows that trial is a legal means of resolving a “wrong,” particularly if there’s money, power, pride, or yep, the “real” biggest losers – children involved.

When we, as a culture choose to finally sit up and take notice of the horrific cost of divorce litigation (and we’re not talking simply cold, hard cash) to our society, and in particular, to the children involved, maybe then we can begin to see and give credence to the positive conflict-resolution alternatives that are just now registering up on the radar of progressiveness.  Mediation and Collaborative Divorce are the progressive forerunners, with Collaborative Divorce a truly recent arrival, and one of the finest examples of creating dignity within a challenging process where formerly there was none…

Support the “Real” Biggest Losers – the children – in the divorce process, by learning more about Collaborative Divorce and encouraging its use next time you hear that someone you know is thinking about divorce.

Brooks Baldwin, aka "Divorce Doula" offers Collaborative Divorce Services, Mediation, and Limited Scope Representation at Baldwin Collaborative Law in Lake Forest Park, WA.