Introducing.... The Divorce Doula

When people ask me what I do for a living, a plethora of options churn within my mind.  The easy option, which unfortunately is the one most likely to be misconstrued, is to say I’m an attorney; a divorce attorney, to be exact.  Immediately presumptions are made and conclusions are drawn, before another word can even escape my lips.

“Hmmm…  I bet she’s a bulldog in court!”

“She must have no conscience to do what she does.”

“Imagine how much she must have to emotionally compartmentalize in order to be able to tear families apart – while simultaneously draining them of their assets!”

What I’d really like to say, if I weren’t so concerned that my sanity would be promptly questioned, is that I am....  a “Divorce Doula.”  One can only imagine the eyebrows cocking at this one, right?

What do I mean, “Divorce Doula?”  To begin with, let’s review the generic definition of “doula,” particularly as most folks are already far too familiar with “divorce,” since it typically occurs in about 50% of all marriages in this country.

doula |ˈdoōlə|

noun

a person, usually a woman, who is professionally trained to assist a woman during childbirth and who may provide support to the family after the baby is born.

For purposes of defining “Divorce Doula,” I shall take liberties with the generic definition “doula” in hopes of providing you with a better understanding of the meaning I’m trying to convey.

divorce doula |diˈvôrs||ˈdoōlə|

noun

a person who is professionally trained to assist divorcing persons before and during the painful and disorienting process of divorce, and who may also provide support to those same individuals after the divorce is finalized.

Obviously then, I am not your typical divorce attorney.  In fact, though I’ve been licensed to practice law in Washington State since 1989, it was only recently that I hung out my shingle again, after having intentionally diverted away from the law 13 years ago thanks in large part to the disenchantment I felt at all of the acrimony, divisiveness, and despair that permeates the world of legal practitioners and courthouses throughout the United States.

Nope, in fact, for the past 13 years, I’ve kept busy as a freelance writer, specializing in spas, wellness, travel – not bad topics for someone seeking a career focused on adventure, pleasure, and wellness following years of the adversarial, political, and soul-sucking one-upsmanship that goes hand in glove with the life of a litigator.  And what a lovely adventure my writing career has taken me on, both geographically as well as via the heart and soul.

But it was by way of a profoundly heartbreaking detour some years ago, that I began (unintentionally) my journey back to the law.  You see I suffered through a long, painful, and arduous divorce, which ultimately left me a single mother of two young daughters, devastated yet determined to move forward role-modeling (as best I could) dignity and grace to my children.  And in reality, my children, the two souls I loved so vastly and desired to protect so passionately, provided the absolute finest and acutely paramount reason for me to take the high road in what could easily have deteriorated into a messy, angry, bitter, and extremely costly divorce. 

For me, the high road involved spirituality, though not necessarily religion, and a committed desire to become “soft” rather than rigid when it came to my perspective moving forward.  I discovered inner strength and courage when I started living with compassion, which happened almost spontaneously upon attending a divorce support workshop at University Presbyterian Church.  Being in the presence of others suffering similar fates, and comforted by those who’d survived them, my intense self-scrutiny abated, and I began to openly share in the pain of others as they openly shared in mine.  With this sharing of burdens, I could feel my load lighten almost immediately, and I was heartened by it.

There’s much to the story in between, but suffice it to say that you’ve just learned the essence of how I became a “Divorce Doula.”  While it’s a road I’d rather not have trod, the fact is that I’m on it, and the reasons supporting this journey leave me constantly searching for ways to reach out to others in need of support as they endure the painful and disorienting transition and birth into the changed life of a divorced person, and often a single parent….

Stay tuned for learning more about Compassionate Divorce Services, including Collaborative Law Practice….